Aquafit advice

OK. So I started with the jogging and then demoted to power-walking and now I’ve resorted to swimming and, wait for it, Aquafit! Although my chum and I are the average age of the local ‘great granny’ at forty-something, we are the youngest attendees by one hundred years each. We’ve been going every week this year, and are quite enjoying it, so I thought I’d give my female readers some advice. (Sorry if it sounds sexist, and although facially it’s hard to tell the difference, I believe all the attendees at the local class are women).

Tips for women doing Aquafit;

·         Position yourself as far back into the deeper water as possible. With an average class age of ninety, they’re not called Tena Ladies for nothing.  Dilution is paramount.

·         If you are ‘well-endowed’ don’t wear a swimsuit. Wear a wet-suit, or a burkini instead. Unless, with all that bobbing, you want your ‘natural buoyancy aids’ to be magnetically attracted to your chin for the entire class.

·         Don’t get too close to the marking-off rope that segregates the class from the rest of the pool, or you might accidently kick one of the old men who congregate there during the ‘Ladies Aquafit’ class.

·         Get close to the marking-off rope that segregates the class from the rest of the pool, so you can ‘accidently’ kick one of the old men who congregate there during the ‘Ladies Aquafit’ class.

·         Prepare for an ego boost. You’ll feel smug knowing there will be someone there with wrinklier thighs or forearms than you.

·         Prepare for a knock in your self-esteem. Some of those grannies, though one hundred years older, are also one hundred times fitter than you.

·         The fun of doing a ‘Marilyn Monroe’ when you’re wearing a swimsuit with an attached skirt wears off after you have to do it 30 times in five minutes.

·         Even if you have the entire pool to yourself, a poor, unsuspecting, old woman will appear by your side  AFTER you’ve accidently hit her with the buoyant dumbells

·         The fitness instructor WILL tease you by showing you the moves at impossibly high speed, because she isn’t in the water. And she’ll urge you to go faster. Use your best anger management skills to stop yourself pouncing out of the pool with the intention of throwing her in shouting, “Resistance! See what it’s like to deal with resistance, Bitch!”

And what about the weather? The wind lashing icy rain against our faces.

That's my excuse for not eating light food this month.